As I enter the fourth month of this healthy living lifestyle, I must ask myself, “Just what is wrong with me?” I went thirteen weeks, one quarter of a year, three months without a binging episode. Not to say the urges were not there, they were, but I just overcame them. Today, however, I was not strong enough, and I don’t know why. Something inside of me was telling me to get a bowl of cereal, then another, then another, until the entire box was gone, then some fruit, still never felt full. The urges continued until I went into shower and wanted to make myself puke. I have worked so hard these last months to lose over 40 pounds, and then in one hour, I consumed more calories than I do in 3 days. Again, what is wrong with me? Why are these urges so profound? Is this what an addict feels like when they need their next fix? An alcoholic when they need their next drink? I hate this feeling, it sucks!
Now that the episode is over, I try to look at the causes real or imaginary or whatever that led up to this. My food this week was pretty much normal except for one day at school, there were bagels and it was the first real “pure” carb food that I have eaten. Last night, Saturday, I cooked a version of orange chicken, a light version, and really a healthy meal, but now, as I look back on it, I probably ate a pound of chicken and three servings of vegetables, healthy? Yes, but probably way too much. Then today, normal breakfast, early lunch, made a breakfast of an omelet with bacon, onion, tomatoes, and mushrooms, and probably ended up eating a half pound of bacon. Then this afternoon, I’m walking by the kitchen, boom! Just one bowl of cereal…why did it become so many?
I guess it starts again right now. Now, out for a walk, a cup of coffee, and some self reflection.
-SB
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